I watch The Biggest Loser occasionally and I find the show motivating to a degree. One of the things that the show always portrays are how contestants have to find the root reasons of why they have allowed themselves to become so overweight. The trainers always threaten that if the contestants don't work to discover and resolve the reasons for the weight the contestant will ultimately gain the weight back later.
I have found that to be true in my own life. I will work hard and lose 10 or 15 pounds and then just stop and gain it back. One time, about seven years ago I lost 70 pounds. I felt good. I looked good but did gain all of the weight back. I find myself starting out on this journey again and want to make this stick. Working so hard to get healthy and strong seems like such a waste if I am not going to ultimately fix whatever it is inside of me that makes me punish myself like this.
I have had "perfection" issues and have been fairly insecure my entire life. I used to think that my confidence issues were because of my weight, I don't think that is the case anymore. I think that my weight was a disguise or cover, an insulation against the world. My weight was a way of separating me so that I did not feel like I could actively participate... I could blend in and be kind of invisible.
I have gone through a lot over the last few years and many of the challenges I have faced have caused me to re-evaluate everything in my life. My world has been turned completely upside down, and coming through these things has helped me to build my confidence and care less about other people and what they think about me. Changing so much on the inside has set me free in many ways and I have grown and repaired certain past damages. While the inside has changed the outside, the physical has stayed the same. When I look at myself in the mirror I do not feel that "I" am actually reflected.
More and more I feel a drive to shed this costume that I have worn for so long.
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