That box in the basement...

Lots of people have that box in the basement, back of the closet or perhaps in the attic. It is filled with all of your favorite clothes that you don't fit into.

I'm visiting my parents for a few days before doing some hiking in southern Utah and pulled that box out. I opened the lid and ran my hand across the dark denim of my favorite jeans sitting in the top of the box. I held up my army green jacket and let my finger circle the buttons. I unfolded my "cowgirl" shirt and just stared. 

I really did not expect the clothes to fit just yet but I pulled on the jeans anyway. To my surprise they fit loosely. It was a strange moment. I have been those jeans, that size or close to it since the end of junior high. The only exception in my entire grown life to that is when I was in Spain. I was about two sizes smaller when in Spain, but the Spain years were the only years that I was smaller than this favorite pair of jeans... until now. 

It is an exhilarating and scary feeling to feel like you are on the cusp of change. You are in your own skin and yet you are venturing into uncharted territory. I find myself asking a lot of questions that range from silly, to fairly deep. What does it mean to let go of this armor that I have carried around for so long? Why was the armor there in the first place? What will it be like to walk into the store and be able to pick up anything off the rack? What will I look like when all the weight is gone? How quickly will I be able to climb to the top of Timp? What will it be like to have the confidence to walk up to a girl I am interested in and just ask her out?

Right now though I am going to dry those jeans in a super hot dryer and they are going out tonight!

Weekly Results (A day late. I did not have access to a scale yesterday.)

Results:

• Lost this week 9.8 pounds (total of 23.6 pounds lost)
• 118,015 steps/55.73 miles
• Still gluten free, still vegetarian, still sugar free and feeling fantastic!!!

Thoughts this week:
Did I mention last week that I was retaining water?! Jeez that 9 pounds surprised me!

This week I really focused on more intense exercise rather than distance. So rather than going an extra mile I did more stairs, more time on the elliptical, slower pace on a higher incline. As a result my butt, thighs and calves have been sore all week long... It worked! I am now a believer in your body's need to change things up.

I am home for a few days, traveling for a few days, and hiking this week. We will see how well I do with my routine completely thrown off. Luckily I can still go to the gym here. I joined one of those nationwide ones where you can go to any location.

I don't believe in diet plans (ranty - you have been warned)

UGHHHHHH…

I just got off the phone with a family member. Rather than having a nice conversation I had to listen to her talk about her new diet plan for 30 minutes. She often sells things. She was trying to sell me on this plan. Turns out it is not just a diet plan (which I don’t believe in), it is some kind of diet/pyramid scheme all in one. She gets money if I sign up. I drove about a 1000 miles today in 15 hours. I really did not want to hear a sales pitch.  

I should have realized something was up when my direct questions about the plan were not answered. The tone of voice should have been another clue that this was a sales presentation…

Not only was she trying to sell me on the plan, but she wanted me to post links to the sales site on my various blogs and Facebook. I am now trying to figure out how to tell her that I refuse to post things that I don’t back or believe in… I won’t be linking her site anywhere… Now I have gotten really ranty here and should get on track.

I don’t believe in diets. This phone convo with said family member has opened up a chance for me to really put down my views on health and eating.

1. When I say that I eat gluten free it is NOT because it is trendy right now. I am one of the few people eating gluten free that actually HAVE TO. I have Celiacs Disease and wish all of the posers would quit faking it… (Though more demand is driving down the cost of gluten free products. Maybe the fakers have a use...)
2. When I gave up sugar it was only after researching the harmful long term effects of it and to see how I felt after giving it up. I feel better without it.
3. When I gave up meat a month ago it was on the recommendation of my doctor. The Celiac Disease had kind of ravaged my system and digesting meat is difficult. (He did not recommend it as a permanent thing, but again I feel so good that it might become permanent. I have also been watching food documentaries and if I do eat meat again it is going to have to be organic. The animals are treated horribly and that is something I am not sure I can handle anymore.) 

All of the dietary changes I have made are lifestyle changes that require me to evaluate how I physically feel in response to the changes, they are well researched, some are doctor recommended (demanded) changes, and cause me to really think about what I am eating and why. These things have all been about me taking responsibility for what I eat.

The family member’s plan is a prepackaged sort of deal where you have to buy your food from the company and you eat their prepackaged food until you reach your goal weight... When I talked about not liking this aspect of it the family member got really defensive and spouted off that 20,000 doctors back this plan... Well, experts can be paid off or bought off, or made up.

The bottomline is that this plan may work, but it does not teach you how to eat. In fact it takes all responsibility for your food out of your hands. Your food is handed to you. You don’t have to think about it at all…

Ranty again… I hope I don’t have to listen to this sort of stuff for the next three days. I will leave early or completely book my schedule with friends rather than family members… 

Shrinking

It is a strange thing, this business of losing weight. When you glance down at your arm and it is noticeably smaller than the last time you paid attention to it it can be a bit shocking. “That’s my arm?!”

 It is strange to put on clothes that you wore a week or two ago and find them loose and having to cinch the belt in a bit more.

My bra is already too big… I wish I did not lose weight in the boobs… If those could just stay the same while everything else shrunk that would be great. Oh, well.

From day to day the changes are not so noticeable but from week to week they are. The changes in just two months are big. Where will I be in two more months? (I already know the answer to that one. I will be climbing mountains.) 

Weekly Results: Fear of running

Results:

• Loss of .2 pounds this week… Total of 13.8 in four weeks.  (Yeah, I’ve been retaining water like crazy and ate nachos for dinner… I was expecting this number.)
• I walked 136,521 steps equaling about 64.69 miles.
• Still gluten free, still vegetarian, pretty much sugar free. (I started eating a piece of dark chocolate once in awhile. Dark chocolate over 70% cocoa is a superfood in small amounts.)

Thoughts of the Week:

I have  reached a point where it really does not matter how far or how fast I walk walking in and of itself is not intense enough to get my heart rate up high enough… This is not a problem on days that I go to the gym. On days that I go to the gym I just kick the incline way up or get on the elliptical machine. On days that I go to the track it is more challenging.

The logical next step is to start running, but running scares me.

I have a back injury that knocked me on my ass a few months ago. I was down for about two weeks and recovering for the next month. So six weeks of sharp shooting pains everytime you put on your socks or twist funny is enough to make anyone careful right?!

This injury flares up once in awhile but it has never been as bad as it was a few months ago. This episode is actually one of the reasons that I am prioritizing getting healthier. Being in better shape makes that injury easier to deal with and less likely to be so severe.

As I have begun to exercise my back has not given me any major grief but I have been careful to choose joint friendly, back friendly activities.

I think I am going to add my pilates DVD into the rotation for a week or two and then start running…   

Gluten-Free and Vegetarian at a restaurant does not equal healthy...

I have been a busy girl over the last few weeks so this is the first Friday that I have gone out with friends in awhile. Ordering my normal gluten free at a restaurant is often hard enough but tonight I had the additional challenge of ordering vegetarian too... Normally I would just order some kind of meat and a salad and that is a pretty simple way to eat gluten free...

Tonight I got nachos with beans since they were both gluten free and meat free... Not healthy. Too much cheese, not enough veggies, lots of empty calories and carbs... I did not even come close to finishing the dish but still feel icky...

I think in the future I will eat my faux-meatballs, or black bean burger before going out and just get a salad at the restaurant... (Plus the way my stomach is feeling there was gluten contamination... DAMN my Northern European ancestry for giving me such a charming genetic disease...)

Maybe I just won't eat out anymore...

Reasons I love working out

I have really started to enjoy working out again. Some of my reasons for liking it are silly.

1. All my workout clothes are black and I like to wear all black. They make me feel sexy. 

2. When I workout I am totally present in the moment. I am focused on that moment, that breath, that step, my heartbeat.

3. I like seeing progress. I love that I walking on an incline of 5 is easy now. I love that 6 miles is nothing anymore. I love that my resting heart-rate is dropping and my heart is getting stronger and more efficient. 

Weekly Results: The skinny-fat girl and motives

Results:
Loss of 2.8 pounds this week. Total of 13.6 pounds in 3 weeks.
I walked 122,596 steps for 58.10 miles
Still gluten free, still vegetarian, still sugar free

Thoughts of the Week: 
Most of the ladies I work with are white, middle-aged and upper-middle class. If you have ever watched the cable show Weeds these are the people I am interacting with on a daily basis... Sometimes at work as I am sitting in the group that song from Sesame Street pops into my head, "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong..." I actually love them all despite not understanding them. Their world-views and ways of life are completely foreign to me.

Their health views have been eye-opening. They lose weight solely to achieve a size or a number on the scale. They do not lose weight for the health benefits. They are all always on trendy fad-diets and talk about who is losing weight and how much they have lost all the time... Being the size they were in high school is the ultimate mark of success in this little kingdom on the bayou.

Over the course of about a year one lady has dropped about 60 pounds just through dieting alone. Yesterday I as we were sitting in a meeting I was looking at her arms and legs and was struck by how un-tone they are. She has lost all this weight but she has absolutely no muscle at all... That just does not seem like the right way to do this. I don't remember where I heard this, but she is "skinny-fat". She might be skinny but she is not healthy and strong.

The whole time we were sitting in that meeting and I was looking at her arms and legs I came to the conclusion that the motives behind our goals really do drive how we accomplish our goals. She is skinny that was her goal. Her motive was a size or number and she found a way to achieve it through eating nothing... My motive is to be healthy enough and strong enough to enjoy hiking to the top of Timpanogos. I am losing weight along the way, but losing weight is not my primary motive.

I share this story and know that it probably comes off as being a bit snotty... "I'm going to do this better than her..." Well, she got what she wanted and I am working towards what I want... Motives.

Timpanogos is still so far away...

I have toned up enough and lost enough weight that people are starting to comment and ask questions. I kind of hate that. Despite publishing all of my secrets through blogs on the internet I don't get personal with many people face to face... I feel like this weight loss and getting into shape is personal. It is about me setting right so many things in my heart and in my mind.

I am rather close with one lady that stopped me in the hall today and we chatted for a bit. (She is like my Southern Mama. My real mom is far far away but I have my Southern Mama and she looks after me. She wants to set me up with her son and  we are not close enough yet for me to tell her why that won't work...) I told her about hiking up Timpanogos this summer and what a big deal that is to me that this was my biggest motivation for getting in shape.

I don't understand why doing this, hiking this mountain again, is so crucial but it is. I wake up with images of this mountain lingering on my eyelids from my dreams. I work out pretending I can feel the Utah sun on my back and can smell the forest dirt in my nostrils. I google "Timpanogos" and read all everything that comes up after work.

I don't know why but preparing for this hike is very healing. I was a very emotional eater and I can't help but wonder if burning these stored calories is releasing the emotions I did not deal with. It is setting me from the drama of my past.

July is still so far off but I am so excited about this.

Fake meatballs

This whole vegetarian thing has me eating foods I would never have dreamed of prior to this little adventure and with the Celiac Disease most of the pre-made vegetarian fare in the freezer section is not good for me. I am having to do this vegetarian thing from scratch. I have no intention of eating things I don't love vegetarian or not... So I have been cooking and experimenting a lot...

Tonight is a good example. I made "meatballs" out of peppers, mushrooms, onions, spinach and quinoa. I stared at that recipe for a good 25 minutes convincing myself that it was worth the time and effort. I have recently begun to LOVE quinoa so that was the thing that gave me a bit of faith in the recipe.

I was the picky kid growing up. My body had a natural gag reflex to veggies. I literally could not swallow them. It was a texture thing not a taste thing and I have gotten over it as I have grown up. I did not like salad until high school... Could not eat salsa until after that and until tonight spinach and mushrooms were something other people bought at the grocery store, not me... These "meatballs" were incredible and may actually land both spinach and mushrooms a weekly slot on the grocery list!

I got the recipe from this awesome new blog that I found today: The Small Boston Kitchen. 

UPDATE - I made these again - way easier than forming them into balls with your hands I suggest using an ice cream scoop. Rather than putting them on a flat pan put them into cupcake tins. 

Little things

For some reason the number on the scale has not moved at all this week. I feel like I am too fresh on the weight loss trail to have hit a plateau but I know nothing about the science behind all of this... Despite the number remaining the same I have seen progress in other ways.

1. I have noticed that my rings are fitting kind of loosely on my fingers.
2. My resting heart rate has dropped by about 15 beats per minute since I started working out. In fact it is the lowest that I ever remember it being, but it is in the lower 50's.
3. My clothes are fitting more loosely.
4. I caught my reflection at a distance in a mirror at the gym and did not realize it was me.
5. I am craving healthy food when I am hungry rather than unhealthy food.

I may have only lost 10 pounds so far, but being gluten free the gluten bloat is gone so I look like I have lost more than that...

I think focusing on all of these little things is helping me not freak out over the number on the scale sitting there, not budging, staying the same... Maybe it will drop before my results post on Saturday.

Impatient...

I am a somewhat impatient person. This impatience is not nesesarily a bad thing. It often pushes me to work hard, and do more than I would were it not driving me. It also causes me to want big results immediately for my efforts.

I have been working out now for five weeks and watching what I eat for two weeks. In the first three weeks I certainly learned that you can't get results without BOTH exercise AND diet... I was working hard, but nothing was coming off because I was just eating back the calories that I had burned off. Damn Girl Scout Cookies, eating out and Mardi Gras...

After just two weeks of working on both diet and exercise I have had major results and I can see them in my body and in the way that my clothing is fitting, but nonetheless I want bigger results right now... I have been overweight my entire life. I can't expect to undo all of that in just two weeks... In my head I know that this is going to take basically two things. I need time and consistency. I really believe that is it.

I am into positive affirmations. I have several that I rely on but I came up with a few that apply specifically to my fitness goals and to help rein in my impatience.

• I am worth the time it will take to get fit. 
• I deserve this. 
• One step at a time. 

Weekly Results - Visualizing the mountain

Results:
I lost 3.6 pounds this week for a grand total of 10.8 in the last two weeks.
I walked 126,660 steps = 59.59 miles.
I am still meat free, sugar free, and gluten free.

Updates:
Front-loading the day worked. Eating more of my calories in the morning and mid-day solved my tiredness in the afternoon. I also realized I was not getting very much fat and started eating a bit of peanut butter each day and switched from skim milk to 2% milk.

This whole vegetarian thing is kind of tricky... Plus I can't eat a lot of the vegetarian meat alternatives because of the gluten in them. Because of the Celiacs Disease I don't think I will ever be able to give up dairy and eggs. It would be super challenging to get what I need.

Thoughts this week:
My mental focus has not been directly on my number of steps and amount of weight lost. I use these things to gage progress, but my mind is in the mountains. As I working out I find myself frequently imagining what it will be like to walk the trails to the top of Timpanogos. I am imagining the wild flowers, the feel of the sun, and the weight of the backpack on my back. I imagine how good it will feel to reach the summit. This is so motivating.

I live in tiny Southern town that lives up to many of the stereotypes of a tiny Southern town. Everyone is up in your business. Everywhere you go you run into people you know. So as I have started working out I have had countless people come up to me and comment that they saw me on the track or climbing the stadium steps. So we chat about the little hike I am going on this summer. Everyone is so enthusiastic about it. In the end this is going to be a great way to hold myself accountable. The town of Mayberry is watching and will want to know how the hike goes when I come back in August.

Making my fitness goal about this hike rather than strictly about numbers is going to be what keeps me going.